A Field Guide to Life's Little Problems
by Angelina Sparrow
Summary: A guide to cheating Your Way Through Life by the Biggest Life-Cheaters ever - Lord of the Rings Characters. I only have Frodo up now, but expect Legolas, Haldir, Gandalf, Arwen, Elrond, Glorfindel, etc. to come.


A Guide to Life's Little Problem's by LOTR Characters (Or A Field Guide to Cheating Your Way Through Life)  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, but I would love to own Frodo... Frodo shudders at the thought and runs away screaming Sigh Guess not. Oh well! Author's note: I got this idea when I saw Jack Sparrow's Guide to life and then remembered the Simpson's one. Well, you know the drill, please R/R!  
  
FRODO BAGGINS' GUIDE TO DANGER  
  
Hello, I'm Frodo Baggins and I'm going to tell you everything you need to know to get you through that crazy thing called life. Trust me, I should know, I went all the way to Mount Doom and back. Of course, I don't expect you to be able to do that, after all, you're only a Big Person, not a Hobbit, like me.  
  
Well the first lesson is getting out of danger. I guess you'll have to know this if you get into a mess like the War of the Ring.  
  
LESSON 1: GETTING OUT OF DANGER (Or How to Weasel Your Way Out of Any Situation)  
  
The first and foremost thing about getting out of danger is: ALWAYS LOOK CUTE. Looking cute is the answer to all of your problems. Yes, I know it sounds sissy-like, but it works! You wanna know how many times I just made my eyes all big and blue and watery and I made the Wraiths forget about me? OK, so I did get stabbed, but that was a wardrobe malfunction! The Ring fell on my finger. It just seemed like I put it on.  
  
If looking cute just gets your enemy angrier, try step two: HIDE BEHIND A FELLOW OK, so this isn't so much my rule, but Merry's. Ever notice how much he hides behind Pippin? Yeah, and did he ever get stabbed? No. So I guess it works.  
  
On to the next lesson!  
  
LESSON 2: ACTING BIGGER THAN YOU ARE (Or How to Be a Big Cheating Rat)  
  
In a situation where one is outnumbered, one must act with all of one's strength. Remember the philis...phiolo...philis...the smart words of Galadriel: "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." Yeah. What she said.  
  
Example: If confronted with a friend being kidnapped by a Ranger Coughstridercough make like Merry, Pippin, and Sam and grab anything you can and prepare to fight to the death, even though the Ranger could probably kill you as easy as look at you. But then again, it was ME; of COURSE they would try to rescue ME. Makes eyes big and watery and makes pouty face See, other lessons coming back to haunt you.  
  
LESSON 3: BEARING BURDENS (Or How to Carry an Instrument of Great Evil)  
  
Remember, when you carry anything dangerous, carry it POINTY END DOWN. Of course, if you have a ring, then it's kinda hopeless to try to find a pointy end. Why, if the Elves were going to make a ring that was dangerous, didn't they make a pointy end to carry downwards? Shrugs Go figure.  
  
Another point: if the evil thing is an article that can be worn, DON'T WEAR IT. Evil things like to corrupt. It's just in their nature. Especially if it is a pair of evil underwear or pants, do not, I repeat, DO NOT wear them!  
  
LESSON 4: SAFETY FIRST! (Or How to Find Other People To Do the Dirty Work for You)  
  
I have one word: RANGER. Whenever possible, find yourself a Ranger to fight for you. They also have a general knowledge of Everything in the Known Universe. Bonus if he happens to be an angsty king in exile, in love with an Elf he can only have if he becomes king like he is rightfully, but is running away from his past and who has a feminine side a mile long. They're the best. Know how to manipulate things to go their way, but also have a tendency to be rugged, handsome, and to attract the attentions of most females you may meet. Actually, may not be such a good idea after all.  
  
Another good person to have along on a quest with you is a WIZARD. Wizards Know Things, like which tunnel to go through by following their nose. They also have a tendency to be extremely old and to have been there for the beginning of time. And of course, they can do magic and have staffs so they can whack people with them. Quite useful. But the downside is he could be fighting a nasty Balrog and break the bridge they are standing on over a big chasm and fall in. Oh well. Too bad, I guess you lost a wizard.  
  
You've got to have FRIENDS! Friends make the journey a lot more pleasant and also are good shields.  
  
Example: Merry and Pippin are being confronted by an Orc. When asked who should be gutted first, here is their response:  
  
Merry: Trying to hide behind Pippin Take Pippin! Take Pippin! Pippin: Trying to hide behind Merry Take Merry! Take Merry!  
  
My point exactly. By the time the Orc would figure out who was who, some big person traveling with them would come to their aid and the Orc would be crushed into a bloody pulp.  
  
And the final lesson!  
  
LESSON 5: KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT (Or Language Class; It's a Good Thing)  
  
A lot of misunderstandings could be avoided if people just KNOW WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING instead of jumping to conclusions. I mean, if Gandalf had only thought a minute, he would have realized Saruman was in league with Sauron a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time before his little meeting with the top of Orthanc Tower. And also if he had just read the Doors of Durin with the right punctuation we could have been spared a lot of grief with the Watcher in the Water and wouldn't have had to waste three hours of our lives.  
  
TO REVIEW:  
  
HOBBITS = BETTER THAN BIG PEOPLE  
  
ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS = LOOK CUTE  
  
FRIENDS = SHIELDS  
  
BRAVERY = LOOKING STUPID TO SEEM TOUGHER THAN YOU ARE  
  
DANGEROUS THINGS = POINTY SIDE DOWN  
  
EVIL PANTS = DON'T WEAR!  
  
RANGER = PROTECTION  
  
WIZARD = OLD  
  
LANGUAGE CLASS = GOOD THING  
  
Well, I hope you've learned enough to keep out of danger for one day at least! Just please don't' mention me if one of these things backfires and gets you killed – I'm trying to keep up a good rep with the Valar!  
  
I know this guide was kinda sucky, but keep reading! I promise they'll get better! And keep reviewing!  
  
Any question about life you want addressed by a LOTR character? Let me know! 


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